Trust?

Yesterday was a terrible day. Not because of anything other than my lack of faith. I hate to call it that, but if we are laying all the cards on the table - this is what it is. I feel so lost. Is it because of the loss of Greg's job? Maybe. But it has to be more. I feel like I am waiting......I say I am waiting on God's timing, but when things don't happen, I get frustrated. That is not waiting on God's timing. That is waiting on my timing and having a temper tantrum when what I want doesn't happen. OK - I don't think it is as extreme as I am painting it because I do trust God. I just apparently have not given total control to Him yet - and I thought I did. I am tired though. And mostly I am tired for Greg. He is struggling daily with not having work and just this morning I was talking to him about whether or not he is trusting God. Because to trust does not mean we put God in this nice little box and expect Him to work within our parameters. It means we trust - unabashedly, fully, totally, without limits. And we both have separate boxes that we are trying to put God in, so this is really backfiring. We are fighting more than we have in a long time and I hate this. But when I think about it, it is mostly my fault. Greg is struggling, in so many ways. It is my job to stand up by him and for him, instead of keeping him down. Instead of making him think he is in my way. Instead of treating him like a nuisance when he asks me for help. I am such a jerk. Lord, help me to be full of you and not of myself. I want to think of you first, others second and myself never. And I do not want this to be lip service.....this is what I want...really.

I've spent a lot of time "thinking" that I need to pray and talk to God. Then complaining that I don't have the time to do it. If I stopped the complaining phase and just went to the praying phase I would save myself so much time. God has never seemed nearer to me, yet I have never felt like I was in such a great drought. I need to be drenched in the Holy Spirit, soaked in Jesus's love and drowned in God's grace. I am so needy. Lord, come to me. How long, O Lord, How long??? Drench me, soak me, drown me.....I need you.

I tried to tell Greg that God could pull a job out of the woods behind us this morning. I was attempting to get him to stretch his trust. To put his faith into action. I think what it really was.....was a call to arms for me. Time to put on the armor of God and go out fighting. We are in a battle like never before. I have never felt under attack like this. The devil is working every angle he can come up with. I am so glad to say that my God is greater than anything the little he could ever do. And if my God is for me, then who could ever stop me, and if my God is with me, then what could stand against? (thank you Chris Tomlin). I can do everything through Him who strengthens me (Phil 4:13).