Did Some More Thinking

So I went for a walk and did some more thinking. You know how I said God is not my genie? Well, I was lying. Kind of. I mean He is NOT my genie, but I act like if I say and do the "right" thing, then He will give me what I want. I think this is worse than thinking He is my genie. Seriously. God knows my heart. What in the world would make me think that He couldn't see past the front I was putting up? It was like if I just prayed hard enough or believed strongly enough, He would give me what I want because I was diligent. I am physically sick at my self. Please don't misunderstand me....I really honestly want God's will for my life, but based on my recent actions it appears that what I really wanted was for His will to fit into what I want. Vomit in the back of my throat. A friend of God would not think like this or behave in this way.

Want the good news? Despite my raunchiness, He still loves me. He still calls out to me to turn from my wicked ways. He still wants a deep relationship with me. He still sent His Son to die so that my disgusting sin could be washed away. Washed away. Gone. Clean. White as snow.

I am forgiven. I want to be better though. A lot better. Help me Lord. Please help me.