Been Cryin'

Lots of crying has been done by me lately. A couple of days ago I was reading from my blog to a friend, and as I was reading about how good God has been to me, it made me cry all over again. I could never deserve to be loved so much, and yet, He loves me more than I could ever imagine. Wow.

Another trail of tears......I was supposed to go on a field trip with Jacob. Actually the day started with me going to the school to help in Grace's class. When I arrived the teacher told me that they would be doing a tornado drill. Then the sirens sounded and all the kids marched out into the "pods" and sat facing the walls, with their heads in their laps covered by their hands. Once they were all seated, the teacher took roll call to make sure everyone was accounted for. Guess what? I was crying. Not entirely sure why. Maybe it was because I was glad to see that my kiddos were being taken care of (good thing - because later in the day they had a real tornado....not drill.....but the real thing...I do not know what to call it). But maybe it was something all together different. Maybe I am just becoming a baby. Maybe it is simply because God loves me....and He loves my kids! So because of the storm, Jacob's field trip was cancelled. Oh crud, I have totally gotten ahead of myself. The Jacob story starts the morning of the field trip - at home. Jacob was laying in bed with me and he told me that he did not want me to go on his field trip. I asked him why and he said he just did not want me to go. I told him that if he had a reason I would consider it but I was not just going to not go. Then he said it...the dreaded words every mom hears at some point but never wants to.....he was embarrassed. Well, of course then, all my insecurities popped up. What are you embarrassed about? Tell me and I can change it. Does he think I am too fat to be in a bathing suit (the field trip was to the pool)? I was totally crushed and oh.....I made sure he knew it too. Fast forward to finishing with Grace's class. I decided that, since the field trip was cancelled, I would peek in the window of Jacob's classroom and see what he was doing. For a few minutes he did not notice me, but when he did - oh man - the look was horrible. The *eyes roll* I'm so disgusted that you are looking in my classroom look. If I thought my feelings were hurt before, the were obliterated now. So I left the school, feeling dejected, and drove to my mom and dad's - bawling all the way! Oh man, my feelings were hurt so bad, it was ridiculous. Do I really place so much of my own value in what my kids think of me? Apparently so. When I got to mom and dad's, I sat in the basement and poured it all out to my mom, who said she knew how I felt and that this too would pass. BUT MY FEELINGS ARE HURT - BAD!!!!!

When Jacob came home that afternoon, I sat him down and talked to him about his behavior. His feelings are fine, but the disrespect of the eye roll is unacceptable. Then I told him that because I am his mom and I love him so much, I will be at EVERY field trip (be the good Lord willing). I care about what he is doing, whether he is at school, at church, at home, or otherwise. It is important to me, so I will make every attempt to be at everything I possible can.

That said, my precious husband has solved a terrible dilemma for me tonight. Greg's dad's cousin's wife (I know, I know) passed away this week and the funeral is tomorrow. I was not sure how I would make Jadyn's Halloween parade and party in the AM, get to the funeral and luncheon and then be back in time for Jacob and Grace's parade and parties. Greg solved it by telling me to drive separate from his parents and not go to the luncheon. Now, why couldn't I think of that one? Must be all the running like a chicken with my head cut off I have been doing for the last 2 days.
Love that man.