Growing Pains

Growing hurts. I am going through a time of growth and I am in agony. First I was trying to "force" something that I wanted and claim it as something God wanted. To be sure, God may want it, but if He does, He wants it on his terms, not mine. I was trying to force my children into Christian school. Everyone knows I hate the school they are in and they don't care for it much either, so I thought if I could get them somewhere where God was the focus, EVERYTHING would be fine. So I tried, but I tried my way. Oh I prayed, but it was mostly complaining to God about what I didn't have instead of focusing on what I do have. I just figured that since it was a Christian school I was looking at it HAD to be God's idea. Satan was even getting his dirty little hands in the mix by making me think secretly in the back of my mind doubting thoughts about how God would work. It was disgusting! I am reading in Galatians and I, like Abraham, was trying to make something come about by forcing it, as in the case of Hagar, where they tried to force God's promise with a child born by man's power, instead of trusting God and His infinite power, like the promised child born by God's power, Isaac. Instead of waiting for my "Isaac", I was forcing an "Ishmael". Oh Lord forgive my arrogance, impatience, selfishness, unfaithfulness and lack of trust. You Lord God reign supreme over EVERYTHING and that includes all of me. As I was complaining about how awful and terrible my life is (basically everything changed and for someone who hates change, it is terrible) and was standing at my kitchen sink bawling, with my sweet 3 year old perched on a bar stool wiping my tears with a towel (what an extension of God's hand she is) and crying out to God saying "I cannot do this anymore. I have no one to talk to." He clearly told me, "Yes Michelle, you do. You have me." How that makes me weep right now. Yes, Lord I do have you and right now I am giving all of my crumbled, broken self to you. I looked down on the counter and saw the index cards of the verse I have just memorized, and it was so clear.

"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation.....I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4: 12-13

This is how I can do it. Though HIM who gives me strength. I do not have enough strength to do it on my own, but He can and will give me all I need. Oh, I may not be in the situation I WANT, but He will definitely supply all I need. What an awesome God! That He loves me in my ignorance and gently shepherds me to where He wants me to be. Praise the Lord for making me memorize Scripture and for what an incredible impact it is having on my life. I was thinking I could memorize Scripture to help others in their time of need. Again in my ignorance.....it was me who needed the Scripture I had memorized. Ahhhh God again lovingly showing me, being so patient and kind.

And how God is using Scripture, which is "useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the (woman) of God may be thoroughly equipped to do every good work." 2 Timothy 3:16-17

I cannot say enough about how the Precious Lord is working in my life. And I cannot say enough how I am glad to be awake to it, instead of sitting back on autopilot. Praise you, Jesus!!