Oh Geez....

Guess what? I am struggling again. I am struggling with hypocrisy - my own. I want to "be in the light, as he is in the light", so that whatever is sinful can be exposed. This current battle is over...well I am not sure how to put it. I want a house. My own house. I think what I really want is to feel settled, even if that is a false sense of settlement. I come across ideas and think that THIS would be really good for me. And then, oh my arrogance, I try to convince God that this is what is best. I am so ashamed to even type that. I know He knows what is best for me. I know He has it planned already. But then my stupid humanness takes over and *poof* I have become more of an expert than God is. How sick. I want God's will for my life - I do. So, why is it that I also want what I think is best for me? Why am I wanting at all? God has provided infinitely more for me than I could ever deserve, yet I still find myself yearning for what I do not have. Contentment. There is something, huh?

Last night, I found myself trying to push for my own desires. I have a friend who just lost her mom. She lived here in my town. She lived right next door to one of my best friends. Since all of my thoughts are on where I am going to live (sick again), I instantly thought of that house. But let me say this.....all of my thoughts were not all about me in this one - honestly. While I liked the idea of possibly getting a house in my town, near my friend, and maybe without the hindrance of a realtor (sorry to those who make their living this way)....the truth is I was thinking about her too. I assumed that they would have to get rid of the house. I thought about how it would be nice (considering the current market) if they could sell it to someone directly, quickly and that this someone would love and care for the house that her mom had lived in and loved. Seems like a lot of thinking for something as simple as a house, right? Trust me.....you don't even want to know what goes on in this mind.

So, I have these thoughts going on in my mind, but the most powerful thought is "I do not want to hurt my friend." She has just lost her momma. I can't just ask if she wants to sell her house. I don't know what to do. Then I find myself talking to WAY TOO MANY people about this......at her mom's memorial service! Am I a class-act idiot or what? I left the memorial bawling. Not because I was sad that she died - I mean, she was finally with her Lord and Savior, not in any more pain - I was rejoicing over that. I was bawling at my lack of.......not sure of the word. How could I even be so selfish to think about something like that at a time like that? How shameful. I talked to my mom and Carolyn afterwards, and they tried to convince me that I did nothing wrong. Yet, I still felt like crap. So, I got to thinking.....WHY is this on my mind like it is? Am I just forcing it on myself, or am I supposed to be thinking this for a reason? It all goes back to God's will. I needs to shut my mouth and open my ears. I have been praying, but maybe I have not been praying the right thing. God knows I would like my own house....here....so my kids don't have to move schools again.

(This is now the next day...) And I have decided to just drop this. I have to be content exactly where I am. Thankful for all I have been blessed with. God has more than provided in the past and I have absolutely no reason to doubt that He will continue. It certainly may not be what I think of, but then again, it just may. But, my friends, that is up to God.

Literal Jadyn

Jadyn is so literal. She sure makes me smile. Tonight we were talking about her speech teacher coming and taking her out of her class. I was not entirely sure what she was talking about, and Grace said, "Mom, I can tell you what happened. Mrs. Chapman came to Jadyn's class and pulled Jadyn out..." To which Jadyn quickly responded, "No, she did not PULL me out. She walked out next to me and held my hand!" What a literal girl!

Morning Slave

This morning I asked Jacob to unload the silverware from the dishwasher. When he asked why, I said because he is my slave. He then told me that he would just take the slave tunnel and get away from me. That made me laugh. I asked him where he learned about that and he said in music class.

Jacob has been up by 6:15 am every day this week, most specifically getting into the shower. I think I have some more insight to Jacob's recent hygiene routine change. Tonight as I was putting him to bed, he grabbed me and wrapped his arms around me. Then he said he would let me go, if I said the magic words. I started with "I love my Mom", he said no. Then I tried "pizza", he said no. Then he said "It is easy." I said "My mom is beautiful", again he said no. Then he told me the magic words. It was "Ms. Murphy" - that is his teacher's name. I think we might have our first crush. Maybe.

Pictures from First Day

First Day of School (2011-2012)

I was up at 4:27am. I went to the gym, came home, made coffee, showered, dressed, made 4 lunches, wrote 3 love notes, drank coffee and had devotions with Greg, prayed, read my Bible, then heard Jacob run downstairs. It was 6:17am and he came in the kitchen and said "I am ready! I need to get in the shower so that I can get dressed." What?!? He was so excited. Not only did he shower, but he also told me that he needed to use "Dad's mouthwash and armpit stuff". As I was in the bathroom drying my hair, Jacob came in a "primped" for about 10 minutes. He sprayed, brushed, dried, sprayed, brushed, gelled, sprayed, spiked and then put his hair in a point in the front. Then he stood there and kept looking at himself. Checking the different angles. It took all I had not to laugh because he was so serious. Every time he looked at me I just smiled back at him. It still makes me giggle. I imagined I would have this with one, if not both, of my girls. I never figured it would come from Jacob. He was the only one who really laid out clothes last night too. Even down to his shoes. He came in and told me he like his lunch. I knew he would check that out. Today he got leftover pizza instead of a sandwich, which I knew would please him. Then he asked me why I put his goldfish in a bowl with a lid instead of a baggie. I told him it was so that they did not get crushed by his ice pack. He then asked if he could put them "in a rubbermaid". I told him he could if he wanted. He left to go try, but when I walked into the kitchen I saw that he had put them back into the original bowl. I did not say a word. The rubbermaid was too big.

When I went into the kitchen, I saw that Grant was up (6:45am). He was following Jacob around, asking, "You going to school, J-pup?" Jacob kept telling him yes.

Grace just got up (6:55am), just before her alarm (which did not even go off). Oh! The alarm just started going. Hopefully this will wake Jadyn up. Last night, she said that she would "want to sleep long" because her "bed was warm and cozy". She was not sure if she would like school. She said if she did not like it, she was "not going back".

Well, more later. Everyone's up now. Time to get started.

The New Piano

We are the proud new owners of a piano. This piano was given to us by Aunt Gayle, in addition to a bunch of other household goods. She REALLY blessed us! Grace is so excited to start piano lessons. In fact, she has already learned "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear", from the music sheet I learned on when I was younger and taught myself. Then Aunt Gayle came over and taught Grace how to play "Amazing Grace" on the black keys. She picked it up so fast, I was totally amazed at Grace (pun intended). But what was even neater than that was that the day after Grace learned on the black keys, she taught herself how to play on the white keys. Totally impressed. She is so determined though. When she gets up in the morning, the FIRST thing she does is head to the piano to practice. I can't wait to see how she does with her lessons. They start next week.....I'll keep you posted.