Oh Geez....

Guess what? I am struggling again. I am struggling with hypocrisy - my own. I want to "be in the light, as he is in the light", so that whatever is sinful can be exposed. This current battle is over...well I am not sure how to put it. I want a house. My own house. I think what I really want is to feel settled, even if that is a false sense of settlement. I come across ideas and think that THIS would be really good for me. And then, oh my arrogance, I try to convince God that this is what is best. I am so ashamed to even type that. I know He knows what is best for me. I know He has it planned already. But then my stupid humanness takes over and *poof* I have become more of an expert than God is. How sick. I want God's will for my life - I do. So, why is it that I also want what I think is best for me? Why am I wanting at all? God has provided infinitely more for me than I could ever deserve, yet I still find myself yearning for what I do not have. Contentment. There is something, huh?

Last night, I found myself trying to push for my own desires. I have a friend who just lost her mom. She lived here in my town. She lived right next door to one of my best friends. Since all of my thoughts are on where I am going to live (sick again), I instantly thought of that house. But let me say this.....all of my thoughts were not all about me in this one - honestly. While I liked the idea of possibly getting a house in my town, near my friend, and maybe without the hindrance of a realtor (sorry to those who make their living this way)....the truth is I was thinking about her too. I assumed that they would have to get rid of the house. I thought about how it would be nice (considering the current market) if they could sell it to someone directly, quickly and that this someone would love and care for the house that her mom had lived in and loved. Seems like a lot of thinking for something as simple as a house, right? Trust me.....you don't even want to know what goes on in this mind.

So, I have these thoughts going on in my mind, but the most powerful thought is "I do not want to hurt my friend." She has just lost her momma. I can't just ask if she wants to sell her house. I don't know what to do. Then I find myself talking to WAY TOO MANY people about this......at her mom's memorial service! Am I a class-act idiot or what? I left the memorial bawling. Not because I was sad that she died - I mean, she was finally with her Lord and Savior, not in any more pain - I was rejoicing over that. I was bawling at my lack of.......not sure of the word. How could I even be so selfish to think about something like that at a time like that? How shameful. I talked to my mom and Carolyn afterwards, and they tried to convince me that I did nothing wrong. Yet, I still felt like crap. So, I got to thinking.....WHY is this on my mind like it is? Am I just forcing it on myself, or am I supposed to be thinking this for a reason? It all goes back to God's will. I needs to shut my mouth and open my ears. I have been praying, but maybe I have not been praying the right thing. God knows I would like my own house....here....so my kids don't have to move schools again.

(This is now the next day...) And I have decided to just drop this. I have to be content exactly where I am. Thankful for all I have been blessed with. God has more than provided in the past and I have absolutely no reason to doubt that He will continue. It certainly may not be what I think of, but then again, it just may. But, my friends, that is up to God.