A Heart in Need of Healing

This morning my devotion with Greg centered around the first 6 verses of Psalm 116. As soon as I opened the Bible, I said that I didn't like this one. This chapter was the chapter I read the night BT died. I remember laying on my bed, in my long underwear, in my apartment, reading this - wondering why I was reading it. Shortly thereafter, my dad knocked on my door and said the words I will never forget, "BT is dead." At that moment, I dropped my pants. I know it seems weird, but I knew I had to change but it was like I was simply not thinking. I remember my mom laying in the back of the suburban, holding a picture of BT, moaning and crying out for him. I remember my dad as a robot. He was simply doing what had to be done - pushing his feelings aside because he had to take care of everyone else. I remember Scott sitting in the front seat, afraid to talk. I remember the drive to Krystel's to tell her. Then the drive to Grandma and Grandpa Boss's house, where my mom sat at Grandma's knee, weeping and asking why. Grandma, in all her wisdom, had no answer. We were there for quite a while, then we went home. As we got home, our house was flooded with our family, surrounding us with their love, and more importantly, God's love. It was the worst day of my life. Yet, I remember some parts of it with complete fondness. Laying on the hammock at 6 in the morning, watching my extended family arrive, knowing others were comforting my mom and dad. God was, and is, so good. I hate that my brother died too soon for me, but God is in control and He does have a plan. Of that I am sure. But reading that Scripture this morning, ripped open the wound I have tried so hard to ignore. And ignore is the perfect word. I have ignored that BT died. For almost 13 years, I have ignored it. I think about him from time to time, but I ignore that he died. God is the healer of hearts, and today my heart needs healing. I am facing the fact - BT is dead.